Process Work

This I Believe Essay

First Draft:

I believe that having a positive and close knit relationship with your family is very important because you can learn and grow from the things that your family members have to offer. They are not just annoying parents that nag you, or that little sister that will not stop following you everywhere. Your family is more of a backbone than any friend will ever be. When no one else is there, your family will still be by your side.

Nevertheless, I did not always think this way. I am the oldest out of soon to be six. My family is kind of like the Brady Bunch due to the fact that my mother and her husband each had two kids outside of their marriage, and they are now on their second child together. Even though my step fathers’ kids do not live with us, they are over a lot so it is still a lot to bear. Therefore, in my high school years, I found myself being highly annoyed with my family and never wanting to be home. The biggest thing that bothered me was the responsibility of babysitting. Therefore, every chance I got, I was out hanging with my friends or working, making sure I am not available to babysit. It got to the point that my family barely seen me, especially since I would go straight to my room when I did go home. Given that I was hardly around my family during these years, my relationship with my twelve year old sister gradually became distant; and my parents and I were always fighting. My family realized that I made myself distant from them and just could not understand why I made a place that should be my home such a horrible place.

My decision to attend UNC-Charlotte was based off making sure I was far enough that my parents would not ask me to baby sit. Ironically, once I began my freshman year of high school, most of my so called friends began to change.  I guess you can say we grew apart. All I had left was a hand full of friends and only one was at UNC-Charlotte with me. Then to make matters worse my roommates were extremely quiet. Coming from a big family that was always making noise, I was not use to it being so quiet. I began to realize that the noises I thought were annoying were actually comforting to me. I never in my life thought that I would feel this way. Slowly but surely I started to miss my family and become home sick.

Now I talk to my mother at least twice a day. I must admit she keeps me from over stressing school and she gives me the best advice. I also go home to visit my entire family about every two weeks if my schedule allows it. I feel like I missed out on so much in my siblings’ lives. However, I am now trying to rebuild my relationship with them. It was comforting to know that when my so called friends were changing my family still loved me and welcomed me with open arms. Since I have started rebuilding my relationship with my family, I am a lot happier and I feel complete.

All in all, I am just trying to get you guys to realize that you are never too old to have a close relationship with your family. My family is my biggest support system and without their support I probably would be completely stressed out about everything. Most importantly, no one knows you like your family does!

Peer Comments:

Your opening sentence is too long. Just state what you believe…then explain.
The second paragraph is a little wordy. Given that you can only use 500 words, leave out some detail. Like the reader doesn’t need to know that your parents each had two kids before they had kids together. We just need to know that you have a lot of siblings.
“they are over a lot so it is still a lot to bear.” This is wordy too.Just try to condense this paragraph. You ramble a little bit, make it as clear as possible. For example, “most of all, I hated babysitting, so I did everything I could to avoid it. I started to see my family less and less, because I was either socializing with my friends or locked in my room.” stuff like that would help the word amount
Watch your tense. You go back and forth between present and past.
Do you have any specific stories of fun thing you do with your family…maybe a family tradition or just a cool story of a vacation or funny memory? That might spruce up the ending
Don’t say you guys…just say you
Overall this is good. It is very easy to relate to you, especially the beginning. I really like how you talk about missing the noises and hating the quiet. I also like how you talk about your family welcoming back while you lost your friends.

I really like your title!
Try to condense your first sentence. I think if you just make it short, sweet and to the point it’s more pleasing to the reader.
Condensing your sentences will really help with your word count. It’s hard because you want to add detail, but you need all the words to be meaty because you can only use so many. You repeat in a lot of sentences how distant you were with some of the members of your family in the second paragraph. If you add those thoughts together it will get rid of extra words.
Make sure you don’t say “you guys” because we’re not supposed to be persuading the reader into doing something. You’re just telling your story.
Your topic is very relatable because many people go through this phase with their parents. Talking about missing the noise was a great touch.
 Try to condense your first sentence. I think if you just make it short, sweet and to the point it’s more pleasing to the reader.Condensing your sentences will really help with your word count. It’s hard because you want to add detail, but you need all the words to be meaty because you can only use so many. You repeat in a lot of sentences how distant you were with some of the members of your family in the second paragraph. If you add those thoughts together it will get rid of extra words. Make sure you don’t say “you guys” because we’re not supposed to be persuading the reader into doing something. You’re just telling your story. Your topic is very relatable because many people go through this phase with their parents. Talking about missing the noise was a great touch.  Your writing is easily relatable because it explains how the change to college ultimately changed your view of your parents. The first sentence can be broken up into two seperate sentences: your belief statement first then the reason for believing this in a second sentence.
Maybe try and paraphrase your body paragraphs and combine them together so that its short but your point is clearly understandable.
The conclusion is good, it completes the paper by restating the intro of how you feel about staying close to your your parents but the conclusion could be beefed up a little.
Maybe try and paraphrase your body paragraphs and combine them together so that its short but your point is clearly understandable.The conclusion is good, it completes the paper by restating the intro of how you feel about staying close to your your parents but the conclusion could be beefed up a little.Your Title is good but your opening sentence may be too long. I would try to condense the middle paragraph. With that being said I'm sure a lot can relate to this, I can. I think you picked a really good belief!

Revised Essay: 

The Closer, the Better

I believe that having a positive and close knit relationship with your family is very important.  You can learn and grow from the things that your family members have to offer. They are not just annoying parents that nag you, or that little sister that will not stop following you everywhere[KA1]. Your family plays the position of being your backbone [KA2]more than any friend will ever be. When no one else will stand by you, your family will still be by your side[KA3]. 

      Nevertheless, I did not always think this way. I am the oldest out of soon to be six siblings/children/kids. Therefore, in my high school years, I found myself being highly annoyed with my family and never wanting to be home. Most of all, I disliked babysitting so I did everything possible to make sure I made myself unavailable. As aresult, my relationship with my twelve year old sister gradually became distant and my parents and I stayed fighting[KA4]. 

      My decision to attend UNC-Charlotte was based off making sure I lived far enough away that my parents would not ask me to baby sit. Ironically, once I began my freshman year of high school, most of my so called friends began to change.  I guess you can say we grew apart. All I had left was a handfulof friends and only one attended UNC-Charlotte with me. Then to make matters worse my roommates were extremely quiet. Coming from a big family that was always making noise, I was not used to it being so quiet. I began to realize that the noises I thought were annoying were actually comforting to me[KA5]. I never in my life thought that I would feel this way. Slowly but surely I started to miss my family and become home sick.

      Now I talk to my mother at least twice a day. I must admit she keeps me from stressing over school and she gives me the best advice. I also go home to visit my entire family about every two weeks if my schedule allows it. My visits back home consist of trips to the movies, celebration station[KA6], different restaurants, girls’ day to the hair salon, helping with my dads’ football team, and many laughs. [KA7]It is comforting to know that family still loved me and welcomed me with open arms. Since I have started rebuilding my relationship with my family, I tend to be a lot happier and I feel complete[KA8].

      You are never too old to have a close relationship with your family. My family is my biggest support system and without their support I probably would be completely stressed out about everything. Most importantly, no one knows you like your family does[KA9][KA10]!

[KA1]I love these specific examples that you are using here. Do you think that you could play with the structure to make it more parallel?

[KA2]What do you mean by this? It’s a little confusing for me as a reader. Is there another way that you could phrase it?

[KA3]This is different than the backbone metaphor. You may want to choose one metaphor and expand on it.

[KA4]You haven’t mentioned that you were fighting before. Could you say that you “started” fighting or mention the idea earlier?

[KA5]I come from a big family too and I need that noise as well :)

[KA6]Not everyone will know this specific reference. Can you give it a more generalized term like amusement park?

[KA7]I like how you are giving so many examples here and I think that it would be an even stronger sentence if you made it parallel.

[KA8]Why do you think that is?

[KA9]I would be careful about using an exclamation point here. Also, I think that you may want to create a longer conclusion/reflection for your reader. Could you project about the future or talk about family in general?

[KA10]

Shay,

I really enjoyed reading your essay and I think that your topic is a great one to explore. I think that your essay could be even stronger if you worked on building a little more communal relevance for your reader. You do have it with the topic (we can assume most people have a family), but I think that you may want to talk a little more about families in general so that the audience can relate a bit more—keep all the stuff about your family, but maybe add more about families in general. Overall, I think that you have a great start and I look forward to seeing where you go in the next draft.

KA

(Projected Grade: 85)

Sontara Barr-Poole

Revised Essay

Final Draft:

The Closer, the Better

            I believe that having a positive and close knit relationship with your family is very important.  You can learn and grow from the things that your family members have to offer. Your family are not just annoying parents that nag you, and they are not just that little sister that will not stop following you everywhere. Your family plays the role of being your backbone more than any friend will ever be. When no one else has your back best believe your family will.

Nevertheless, I did not always think this way. I am the oldest out of soon to be six children. Therefore, in my high school years, I found myself being highly annoyed with my family and never wanting to be home. Most of all, I disliked babysitting so I did everything possible to make sure I made myself unavailable. As a result, my relationship with my twelve year old sister gradually became distant; and my parents and I began to disagree a lot.

My decision to attend UNC-Charlotte was based off making sure I lived far enough away from the city of High Point that my parents would not ask me to baby sit. Ironically, once I began my freshman year of high school, most of my so called friends began to change.  I guess you can say we grew apart. All I had left was a handful of friends and only one attended UNC-Charlotte with me. Then to make matters worse my roommates were extremely quiet. Coming from a big family that was always making noise, I was not used to it being so quiet. I began to realize that the noises I thought were annoying were actually comforting to me. I never in my life thought that I would feel this way. Slowly but surely I started to miss my family and become home sick.

Now I talk to my mother at least twice a day. I must admit she keeps me from over stressing school and she gives me the best advice. I also go home to visit my entire family about every two weeks if my schedule allows it. My visits back home consist of trips to the movies, long nights at celebration station (a huge arcade), eating at different restaurants, enjoying a girls’ day at the hair salon, helping with my dads’ football team, and many laughs. It is comforting to know that my family still loved me and welcomed me with open arms. Since I have started rebuilding my relationship with my family, I tend to be a lot happier and I feel complete mainly because I no longer have an attitude towards the people that I love.

You are never too old to have a close relationship with your family. Life is all about enjoying those special moments with your family who love you more than anything. They are the ones who read your first book to you before bedtime; your mother let you lick the spoon after mixing cake mix, and they even taught you how to say your first words. How could you ever forget about your family?

Reflection:

I chose this particular writing process because I believe that it is a great example of the process that I take when I am writing my essays. From the peer responses I learned how to accept constructive criticism and apply it to my essays when editing them. The peer responses for this essay helped me limit my essay to 500 words and it also helped me figure out how I could improve my conclusion. I also learned that I do not have to be too detailed when explaining something. It is okay to get straight to the point sometimes. From Ms. Andrews’s responses I have learned to take my teachers comments into consideration and make a few changes to my paper. In the past, I would not make any changes to my paper. I would not even have a true “writing process”. This class has really helped me learn how to truly prepare a great final draft.